Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
