Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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