Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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