Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
