He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
