Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
