I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Randomize
