I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
