I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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