All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
