Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
