my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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