i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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