i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
