i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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