we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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