i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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