Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
