i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I didn't notice because vodka
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
