I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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