your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
