And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
