i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
