I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
