My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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