i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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