Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize