im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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