I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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