the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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