Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I think your dad took our porno
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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