I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize