Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
