I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I want to fling myself into the sun
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
