Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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