She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
