JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my shit smells like andre
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize