his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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