Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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