That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
