I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
