R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
