It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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