Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize