he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
