I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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