the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize