So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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