dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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