i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
40s are totally the cure
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
