I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
