he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
