I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
