Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
