drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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