my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
