You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
