the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
