just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
