ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
