I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
