When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just googled if crying burns calories
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
