Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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