Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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