Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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