Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
is wine microwaveable?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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