Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
