dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
