when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
