just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
