My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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