I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
