Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
