I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
